WCT MATCHUP #2: JOE vs DAN

MATCHUP #1 RESULTS: In what was not even a close contest in WCT Matchup #1, Bert Blyleven defeated Boof Bonser in a landslide. I believe the voting was 13 for Bert, 1 for Boof, and a split vote which was simply discarded.

Before continuing I must give a gleeful MLBDaddy shout out to B Donkey for correctly answering the Boof look-a-like contest. B Donkey is single, currently lives with his parents in Hermantown, MN and would be one heck of a catch for any lovely ladies out there looking for love. You can vote for B to be casted on The Real World by clicking here.

Moving right along…

JOE

DAN

Joe Mauer has arguably the sweetest swing in baseball. He has a good eye at the plate, and according to various female sources is also good for their eyes.

Mauer was a three sport star in high school at Cretin-Derham Hall where he broke all sorts of records in baseball, basketball and football. He was the National High School Quarterback of the Year in 2000 and turned down a full football scholarship to Florida State to enter
the MLB Draft. Decently sweet decision.

Joe is the only American League catcher to ever win a batting title. He was on the cover of Sports Illustrated. He had a cool Pepsi ad with Johnny Damon last year. He dated this chick. They broke up.

I think if Mauer played for any other team than the Twins I would consider him a fairy boy. Example: He modeled for Perry Ellis.

Mauer likes Jimmy Johns, a lot.

Dan Gladden used to have a mullet and his nickname is “The Dazzle Man”. He never had one of the sweetest swings in baseball, but he definately endorses one of the sweetest beers in baseball, Glick Beer.

Dan hit a grand slam in game one of the ‘87 World Series, which the Twins went on to win. Seven years later he won another baseball championship, this time in Japan. He cut off his mullet, but chicks still like to hug up on him.

The dude is a color man on the Twins radio broadcasts. In the fourth inning he takes over the play-by-play mic and the only things the listeners will know for the next hour is when the next Harley rally is, how the Glick Beer tastes, and who hit the latest Cambria homerun.

I would classify his radio skills as somewhere between terrible and really terrible. He used to have a mullet and stache though.

So let’s review. Joe is like the dream athlete of the world and especially dreamy to the ladies. I hope he bats two hole for the Twins this year. Dan is a World Series hero and gets insane amounts of style points because he used to sport a dashingly brilliant mullet.

Happy Voting!

WCT MATCHUP #1: BERT VS BOOF

Sorry for the delay to the start of the What’s Cooler Tournament. Let’s get it underway now with the first matchup. Remember, you vote, I tally the votes, and the winner moves on to the next round. Feel free to find your own interesting facts if what I provide is not enough for you to make your difficult decision…

BERT

BOOF

Bert Blyleven was born in the Netherlands and his real name is Rik Aalbert Blyleven. He went with Bert because clearly the guy is not a Rik. He has a “Circle Machine.”

He was a pretty good pitcher back in his playing days, just ask him and he will tell you. You can also tune in to Fox Sports North for a Twins broadcast where you’ll find out that he can’t go an entire ballgame without bringing up his own skills. He is considered to be one of the best pitchers eligilbe, yet not in, the Major Leauge Baseball hall of fame. He will tell you all about that too.

Bert doesn’t seem to have any real knowledge about the game of baseball and at times can be quite annoying to listen to. Casual baseball fans love the guy. My favorite Twins blogger posted
this picture of him just last week. Cool shirt.

The guy is one of my World Series heros as he helped lead the Twins to a World Championship in ‘87. He dropped two F-bombs on the air back in 2006. My mommy wouldn’t approve, but I thought it was pretty decent. He also likes to talk about his birthday and always knows, and talks about, how many days away his next birthday is. He likes beer and eats hot dogs on the air. I would have to classify him as a Yahoo.

Has anyone out there ever been circled by Bert?

Boof Bonser’s first name is Boof… cool or not? I say not. Boof spelled backward is Foob, which I think is an appropriate nickname for a little kid who runs around with boogers and snot running out of his nose.

Boof reminds me of a complete zippy I played baseball with one summer not too long ago. If anyone out there can name that person, send a private email to MLBDaddy and you will get a shout out on my next post!

Boof will be the Twins number three or four starter in 2008 and the team is going to need alot out of the guy this year. Last year he had several starts where he looked dominate for 4-5 innings and then blew up and needed to be removed from the game. He has a deec curveball, but is pretty fat. Rumor has it he lost 30-40 pounds during the offseason. That would still place him below the yellow line, if he were on The Biggest Loser, so I am not all that impressed.

**Side Note: If you want to see fat guys cry, watch The Biggest Loser.
***Side Note 2: If you want to watch fat guys cry and get dressed up by a not straight guy from that lamo show MLBMommy really likes you should tune in to The Biggest Loser this week.

So lets review. Bert is a Rik who thinks highly of himself and circles people for a living. I imagine that he probably farts alot in the broadcast booth. Boof is a fat guy who gives up alot of runs and had an 8-12 record last year. I imagine he probably farts alot on the mound.

Happy voting!

Wednesday What’s Cooler: Tourney Time

Baseball season is right around the corner. In honor of my favorite team and favorite time of year I thought it appropriate to put together a little What’s Cooler Tournament (WCT) featuring some interesting and important characters for the the 2008 Minnesota Twins season.

Over the next few weeks I will be breaking down each matchup that fills out the WCT. The winners of each matchup will be determined by the readers of this blog. Here is how it will work…

I will provide some background information and some scintillating facts about each person. Once my post is live, you may vote on that posts matchup, and only that posts matchup. Once 9 or more votes have been tallied, the tournament will move on. The winner of the tournament will be crowned the 2008 Minnesota Twins Whats Cooler Tournament Champion and will receive a blog post in their honor. They will also receive a personally written letter from MLBDaddy notifiying them of their victory.

And now, the unveiling of the Brackets! (Seeding in no particular order)

The first matchup will be Bert Blyleven vs Boof Bonser and it will be coming up shortly.

Also, I apologize for the way the tourney bracket looks. My blog will be moving to a new location as soon as I have time to do so because apparently Blogger is pretty limited and its really petting my peeve.

Buh-Bye!

The Abyss Is Over

It has been 12 days since MLBDaddy last posted and multitudes of readers have inquired about the well being of this blog and its author. I’m happy to report that I am fine and that posts on this blog will now return to their regular schedule. Luckily, while I’ve been away soaking in the rays and 80+ degree weather on Florida’s east coast I have also accumulated many unique and interesting topics to discuss within this space.

Let the discussion begin…

Southerners are generally not very nice. I was sworn at in a Wal-Mart for simply walking down the toothpaste aisle. I forgot all my toiletries at home. They were packed and ready to go, but I left them sitting on the bathroom counter. So I found a toothpaste aisle and I had to walk down it to pick out some toothpaste.

“You better back the @#$* up outta my space,” a twenty something chick said as I passed her by.

I smiled and went about finding my Colgate.

After further examination of this situation one could conclude exactly what I stated above… that Southerners are generally not very nice. But after I left the store, something donned on me. Could I expect someone in the Duluth, MN Wal-Mart to raise their voice and use the exact same line on me? The answer is yes, yes I could. So clearly people who frequent Wal-Mart are not very nice, this had nothing to do with the South.

In review, Wal-Mart sucks and so do people who shop there.

Florida’s Turnpike is a scary place to drive. Not only are there wild hogs like this roaming the countryside, but I also saw at least 10 car accidents on a 200 mile stretch of road during the bus ride to my final destination. *Interesting side note: The Super Wal-Marts in Florida get a 40% price break on all bacon they buy that comes from road killed hogs.

In review, Wal-Mart sucks and their bacon is sketchy.

This guy looked alot like the greeter at Wal-Mart. I nearly skat myself.

In review, Wal-Mart sucks and it’s not afraid to employ toothless men.

One of my biggest pet peeves in all of life is shopping. I hate most everything about it. Whenever I go shopping there is a purpose behind it. I don’t just shop for something to do. I shop to make a specific purchase. My time at a shopping establishment is almost always planned out in advance so I can make as quick an entry and exit as possible. Wal-Mart only allows two or three cashiers to work during a given time. This leads to two problems in my shopping experience. 1). Long check-out lines. 2). Unnecessary small talk with other customers in long check out lines.

So there I am, standing in line to purchase my toothpaste and other items. To my left, the toothless man bellowing out greetings to all newcomers. To my right, aisle after aisle of empty checkout counters. To my rear, an Easter candy stand filled with Cadbury Eggs, the gooey kind. And to my front, a line of at least 20 customers. To my immediate front, a pregnant woman who appears to have last washed her hair during the Clinton administration. She was holding a two year old screamer while her four, five and six year olds played a game of tag in a 15 foot radius around our line. The conversation went a little something like this…

Five year old says to me: “My brother just farted, can you smell it?”

Me to five year old: “No, not yet.”

Five year old to brother: “He can’t smell it, try again.”

Mother to farting son: “Carl, stop that or you ain’t getting no fruit loops when we get home.”

Mother to me: “His daddy is always teaching him this stuff.”

Me to mother: “Your son has big shoes to fill some day.”

There was other dialog too, but that was the highlight.

In review, Wal-Mart sucks and watch out for lines with little farting brats.

That is about it for now. Please leave your own review of Wal-Mart or any sweet stories you may have that took place in Wal-Mart – whether in Florida or elsewhere.

Buh-Bye.
Oh I almost forgot, Mondays are supposed to be Odes.

An Ode to Wal-Mart

If you forget your supplies at home,
you know where you have to roam.
That door greeter may have no teeth,
But he can sell you road killed beef.

Just be sure that your aware,
the toothpaste aisle may cause a scare.
Even if you want just a few things,
Take off your expensive rings.

You might get mugged, battered and beaten,
but the pot will soon start to sweeten.
No shoes? No Shirt? You’ll fit right in.
The place smells like a garbage bin.

Walk up and down and to and fro,
this is a place you surely shouldn’t go.
There’s plenty of little brats that like to fart,
Just another day at your friendly Wal-Mart.

Wednesday What’s Cooler: Rocky Taconite or the Two Harbors Rooster?

ROCKY VS ROOSTER

In Silver Bay, Minnesota sits a statue that “honors the genius of those who figured out how to change a useless rock into a valuable product.” His name is Rocky Taconite. He is this cheery little dude who holds a pick and wear’s a miners hat and greets all passersby that enter Silver Bay via County Rd. 5 or Outer Drive or whatever you want to call it. Built in 1964, Rocky is a symbol of the transition from taconite to steel. To me, he is a reminder that MLBDoggy is about to vomit in the back seat of the family car. She usually gets car sick every time we go to Silver Bay, and in front of Rocky is her favorite puking spot.

I think that MLBMommy might have a secret crush on Rocky. Her personal image on her google mail account is of Rocky’s smiling face. Odd? Yeah.

In Two Harbors, Minnesota, in front of a gift shop, sits a eight foot tall rooster. Yep, it really does. The rooster is made of fiberglass and was erected in the 1960’s when the gift shop owner had a choice between similar statues of a dinosaur, a bear, or a horse. Now why did he choose a rooster? MLBDaddy thinks its because he wanted everyone to marvel at the size of his… chicken. Anyways, the rooster is pretty sweet. Two of the town’s most major news stories over the past 20 years have centered around the thievery of the rooster. In 1997, the rooster was stolen by a rival graduating class and the newspaper ran with the headline “12 Foot Cock Stolen.” In 2003, the rooster was again stolen and driven 20 minutes south to Duluth where it was thrown off an overpass of I-35 and crashed to its demise. The rooster had to be replaced as a result of this tragic act.

So what’s cooler, Rocky Taconite or the Two Harbors Rooster? I know I might take some flack from the family on this one, but I have to go with the Two Harbors Rooster. I’m all for things that have no rhyme or reason for existing yet are still well known by people all over the world. The rooster is basically the only thing that the city of Two Harbors has going for it, and without it I can’t think of another quality reason to live there.

An Ode to Spring Training

Baseball season is finally here,
it’s MLBDaddy’s time to cheer.
Lets review and look ahead,
the creator of ‘Smell Em’ they call Red.

All the teams have opened up camp,
A boggy marsh is pretty damp.
Pitchers and catchers are getting in work,
Barry Bonds is still a jerk.

Lets take a look back at the off season,
there’s been lots of changes for many reasons.
Torii gone, Santana too, BOO HOO(F)
Many pounds have been lost by Boof.

There was once a man who lived near Nantucket,
He took a big needle, in his butt he stuck it.
The steroids made him big and strong,
Now he’s just another ding dong.

How embarrassing that must be for him,
Chances he will make the hall are slim.
I realize he didn’t want to give up home runs,
but why put steroids in your buns?

Anyways, I’m sick of all that crap,
maple trees have sticky sap.
It’s time to move on, am I not right?
Who the heck is pitching on opening night?

I’d have to say I’m pretty darn nervy,
Marisa Miller is nice and curvy.
The Twins pitching is young and unproven,
I use U-Haul for all my movin.

Who’s playing center, second, and third?
Nick Punto is a frickin turd.
I’d like to see Mauer have a good year,
I’d also like a life time supply of beer.

Is anyone sold on Delmon Young,
or is he a pile of monkey dung?
I think that he’ll be a crap addition,
lots of problems is my premonition.

The critics think the Twins will stink,
My cousin Robby dresses in pink.
I hope they are at least a decent squad,
For that I will stand and applaud.

It doesnt matter if they are good or not,
MLB’s nose will be full of snot.
Together we will watch many a game,
I’ll snuggle him and teach him all the players names.

I can’t wait for the first pitch,
its like a scratch that needs an itch.
Yay yay yay, who needs another reason?
It’s almost time for baseball season!!

Wednesday What’s Cooler: Being Dennis Anderson or Being Sven Sundgaard?

Denny vs. Sven

Dennis Anderson is a legend. He ends his WDIO TV broadcasts each and every night by saying “Good night and be kind.”

Check out this list of cool squat he does, none of which is made up, I swear… he has been a licensed pilot for 29 years, he is a taxidermist and has been since 1959, he fishes, hunts, snowmobiles, and builds model railroads. Is that all you ask? No, not even close. The man is also an ordained minister, a father of four, a grandfather of ten, and wears a toupe. My wife once saw him mowing his lawn while wearing a speedo. I am crap kicking you not.

Not only does he anchor the Duluth news, but he has also been the host of the annual SMDC New Years Eve party held at the DECC each year. He gave it up when he realized he was way too cool for the party. Hard to believe anyone could be cooler than a night highlighted by the music of Sh-boom isn’t it?

Sven Sundgaard is a spikey-haired, metrosexual who is inspired by Galileo and his favorite sport is ski jumping. UMMM.

Anyways, he used to be a weatherman in Duluth before he became TC and left for a job at Kare 11 in the Twin Cities. From what I remember, he is a cheery, upbeat chap who has a serious passion for the weather. He is a sell out just like his buddy Edward Moody who also left Duluth for “greener pastures”.

Sven has his own blog where he discusses important world issues such as horses, rainbows, and running in spandex. I hear he as become quite popular in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area and some think he has even reached cult status.

So what’s cooler, being Dennis Anderson or Being Sven Sundgaard?

Although MLBDaddy may have a slight bias towards a man that has served his community for almost 40 years, he is still thinks Dennis is much cooler than Sven. Bias or not, it’s hard to argue with a man who’s mustache is thick enough to hide and keep fresh cookie crumbs he ate the night the Edmund Fitzgerald sank on Lake Superior.

Definitions

A few posts back MLBDaddy defined Jags, Zippys and Yahoos and allowed readers to comment on a word or phrase they would like to learn MLBDaddy’s definition of. Those definitions are as follows, along with a sentence that uses the word combined with the commenter who submitted the request…

eejit – if hooked up to a brain monitor, an eejit would register as a legally brain dead person.

MLBDaddy uses “eejit” in a sentence: My sister Anne is a complete eejit who likes to shop for sweaters at Tuuurget.

stereotype - To make judgement (usually negative) about a person, place or thing before gathering the appropriate amount of information required to make a judgement. To make a hasty generalization based on little evidence or hearsay

MLBDaddy uses “stereotype” in a sentence: Not to stereotype, but government workers, even retired ones like Squirmysgp, are clock-watching, initiative-blocking bureaucrats, ignorant about the financial constraints of the real world.

shorty - A male term used to define a female he finds attractive, particularly fine, or hot. Shorty’s usually get “holla’d at” because they are irresistible to the male eye.

MLBDaddy uses “shorty” in a sentence: If he wasn’t a dude and if he didn’t wear a fanny pack while sporting a man bag, Tony Gjerdahl could probably be Jay-Z’s shorty.

douchebag – A completely inappropriate word that should never be used at work, on a blog, or anywhere else. Basically it’s another way of calling some one a turd sandwich, only it adds a little extra zing.

MLBDaddy uses “douchebag” in a sentence: When MLBDaddy writes bad code or asks annoying questions, his coworker Beanski, will either ignore him or call him a douchebag and carry on with her day.

meatball - A person lacking common sense who thinks they are always right about everything. This can also refer to a person who is overweight and almost perfectly round in shape.

MLBDaddy uses “meatball” in a sentence: If Joepa eats enough donuts, he will more than likely fit into both meanings of the word meatball.

numnut - A male who once got struck in the privates and has let the experience negatively affect the rest of his life.

MLBDaddy uses “numnut” in a sentence: When Joepa was five years old he survived a horrific bike accident in which he landed awkwardly on the handlebars and has ever since been sort of a numnut.

mack daddy – A male who has more game than can be contained in a large bottle or jar

MLBDaddy uses “mackdaddy” in a sentence: Landing a fly shorty like Jenny Cook must have taken some serious mackdaddy skills.

So there’s MLBDaddy’s definitions. Add your own definitions or sentences in the comments section or throw another word my direction and I can do another one of these posts down the road. Buh-Bye!

An Ode To Fischer Price Musical Toys

MLBDaddy hears them every day,
during little MLB’s time of play.
He pushes the buttons and sits back to enjoy,
the sounds that reverberate from his toys.

Some are soft, gentle, and fun,
while others annoy everyone.
Some make him laugh while others make him learn,
its double plays he wants to turn.

It might be counting or a nursery rhyme,
we hear them all if we wait some time.
They keep his attention for at least a bit,
but not as well as his bat and mitt.

I think that the toys are good and fine,
but hearing them daily sends shivers down my spine.
I am not one to dis,
But one of the tunes goes something like this…

‘Shapes are in my cookie jar,
Triangle, heart and star,
There’s a circle over there,
Here’s a square.’

Not that that is all that bad,
its not like it makes me mad.
As long as MLB is smiley and bright
He can play with his toys all day and night.

I bet you didn’t know…

Some dude named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

Lets analyze, shall we?

Apparently this guy started hiccuping back in the 20’s and didn’t stop until 1990. Even weirder, the hiccups started while the guy was slaughtering a hog. Does slaughtering a hog have some sort of magical way of enducing hiccups? I’m not shocked that he is from Iowa either. Weird things happen in Iowa. Also, having the hiccups for 69 years is probably one of the only ways to make living in Iowa interesting.

When he first started hiccuping they say he hiccuped 40 times per minute. They estimated that he hiccuped 430 million times during his life. How could the guy ever get anything done? How did he not jump off the nearest bridge? How is he not know as a great American hero? I’m pretty sure I have a lot of respect for the guy.

Do you think people that met him would sneak up on him and before he realized they were there yell things at him to try to scare the hiccups out of him? How many times do you think he tried holding his breath to get rid of them? Do you know anything else that he could have tried? Also, how is there not a medical procedure that could have cured this condition?

Charles was also married twice. There is no word on if the hiccuping forced the end of his marriages or not. I can’t imagine 30-40 hiccups per minute throwing a wrench in my relationship with MLBMommy, she can put up with anything.

So what have we learned here? 1). The hiccups suck. 2). Don’t slaughter pigs. 3). Don’t live in Iowa. 4). My wife rules!